My Incredible Story
I begin my incredible story after I graduated from John F. Kennedy H.S. in The Bronx, New York. I was a restless free spirit and was tired of life in New York City, with its crime-filled streets and the poverty I had grown up with. So one day, with just a few dollars in my pocket and some personal items, I bought a Trailways bus ticket and boarded a bus headed towards the Grand Canyon in Arizona. I had no fear of traveling alone to a place I had never been before. I did not know anyone out there or what I was going to do once I made it out there. All I knew was that I was finally going to be free from the cold, harsh streets of the city. I was ready for a new life. I was a city girl yearning for the quiet country life that I had read so much about and seen on TV. I was very naive at this time and thought to myself that anywhere away from the city promised me a better life.
I was 19 years old and very small for my age. I gained the attention of strangers because of how young I looked. I pretended that I couldn't talk and communicated with other passengers by writing notes. I told them that I had no family and no certain destination. Needless to say, I made quite an impression and was well taken care of throughout the trip. All I wanted was a chance to live the "American Dream" and become a part of the middle-class lifestyle. I had grown up as many inner-city kids did.... in a broken low-income home and in the toughest neighborhoods of New York. . I had often dreamed of living in a big house located in a picturesque countryside with a big yard and a white picket fence all around it. The house would have a pretty wrap- around porch. It was my dream life that I went in search for.
Growing up, I was so disillusioned with my life that I use to write letters to my teachers who lived in homes, asking them to please adopt me and take me away from the poverty and crime-filled streets that I had to live in everyday. I use to hurt myself physically trying to get someone's attention. Understandably, my teachers only saw me as a troubled young girl- and I guess I was. I just knew that life was suppose to be better than what I was living through every day.
On the way out west, I met a teenage boy who was on the way to visit family out in California. He convinced me to continue with him and he paid for my fare from Arizona to California. (Ironically to this day I have yet to see the Grand Canyon)!
Once in California, I stayed with one of his sisters for a couple of weeks. During my stay there, I began talking to those around me. I sold some of my belongings in order to obtain some extra money. Unfortunately, that money was stolen from me. I found myself hitchhiking away from there.
I caught rides on 18-wheeler trucks. I still did not know where I wanted to go. All I had were my dreams of a perfect life. I accepted rides with several truckers and saw many beautiful places in this country. A couple the truckers took me home to their families. But I never felt like I belonged-- I felt out of place.... like company that had overstayed their welcome. So I left. I worked a couple of fast food places in order to earn a little more money. The Gypsy in me could not settle for any one place-- so I kept moving.
There came a time when my luck had run out. I accepted a ride with a trucker whose intentions were NOT in my favor. He took advantage of my vulnerability and my naive nature - and he raped me. I never thought this would ever happen to me. There was nothing I could do. I tried kicking him, but he never moved out of my way and then he threatened me. I screamed-- but no one could hear my screams for help. We were somewhere in the back-roads of the California desert. He could have killed me and dumped my body right there. It would have been awhile before anyone would have found my body in this isolated area. My family had no idea where I was. I know God and His Angels were with me that day-- or I would not be here today.
It was pitch dark by the time we arrived at the next small town. I talked him into letting me go there-- and he did. I went into a small store that was in the area. I broke down and cried as I told the two people in the store what had happened to me. I was terrified, confused and felt very ashamed. They called the police and I was taken to the hospital. The examination they put me through felt like I was being raped all over again. The detective in charge was extremely cold and uncaring towards me. I sensed he felt that I got what I deserved for traveling alone. After that, wanting no more to do with me, he dropped me off at another truck stop. From that night, the next few days are nothing more than a blur to me... as I drifted from one place to another, not really knowing or caring what was going to happen next. I was stunned and very much alone.
For the first time since leaving New York...I felt very afraid. I remember sleeping in an old abandoned car that an old man took me to one night... after that, other truckers helped me find decent rides.
It was during this time that I met the man that I would marry. He treated me very well and took care of anything I needed or wanted. He never expected anything in return. I use to call him my "big brother." I remained with him and eventually fell in love for the very first time. Six months after we met we were married by the Justice of the Peace in Vicksburg, Mississippi. I continued to travel with him for about another year or so. Eventually, we rented an apartment in Vicksburg. He switched jobs and began to work for a local trucking company and I stayed home. Everything seemed to be going well for me and I felt like I finally found the place where I belonged.
After almost three years of marriage I received the greatest news of all-- I was going to have a baby! During my 4th month of pregnancy, my husband decided that it was better for me to go home to New York so that I could have the baby near my family. I did not understand this, but he insisted and I reluctantly agreed. He took me to my grandmother's house in New York and he returned to work in Mississippi. He called me often and I really believed that he loved me very much.
I was 23 years old when I gave birth to my first-born son in May of 1989. My husband was not there for the birth of our son. My baby was almost three month old before he came for us and we returned to Mississippi.
I did not receive that "I'm glad you're home" feeling from my husband or his family. I felt very alone. I was a new mother and I was already missing the love and support that I had from my family in New York, especially my grandmother. I only had two close friends in Mississippi who were there for my baby and me whenever I needed them. Since the birth of our son and our return to MS, my husband made himself scarce around us. His attitude had changed and I could no longer depend on him. He neglected the bills and I did not know what to think anymore. I wanted to believe that perhaps he wasn't earning enough to support us. Deep down I knew that was not the problem.
One day as I was cleaning up at home, I found the reason for the changes in his behavior. A love letter from another woman said it all.
While I was in NY having our baby, he was at home having an affair! I was devastated. It was really the last thing I expected. My world was shattered as was my heart.
When I confronted him he tried to deny it. He claimed it was an old high school love letter. I felt insulted and betrayed. He really believed that I would be naive enough to believe this obvious lie of his. In almost 4 years of marriage, I took care of the house and new every piece of paper in my organized home. He underestimated me.
Once I found out about his affair, he became increasingly insecure. He knew I wanted to leave. He became verbally abusive with me and threatened to take my son away from me. He would force me to have sex with him against my will. He knew that my family saw me as a trouble maker and someone who would not settle down and commit to anything, and he used this to his advantage. He would tell my family that I wanted to leave and break up the family. My family would come down on me and told me I had to learn to deal with whatever was going on. I feared him and feared for the life of my son. It became so bad that when he was home, I couldn't sleep. I was afraid to close my eyes at night because I feared what he might do to us while we slept. By the time he had returned to work, I had taken enough. So I packed my stuff and stored it at a friend's house for safekeeping. I then entered a battered women's shelter in Vicksburg. They were wonderful and very supportive. They helped my son and I return to New York.
After arriving back in New York, my son and I did not have an easy time of it. My family did not support my decision to leave my husband. I received assistance from an organization called Victim Service Agency. They provided me with counseling and childcare. Soon I enrolled in a Community College. My son and I moved into our own apartment right before Christmas of 1990. I was popular in school and in no time became the Editor of the College paper. I also became a spokesperson at several workshops for domestic violence and became an advocate for women's rights. I was doing quite well and was finally able to see a promising future for my son and myself. I had even enlisted in the Army. My family was going to care for my son while I went to basic training which was 4 months away.
Unfortunately, I was unable to finish my studies or even see basic training in the spring. Fate was cruel to me once more, and my life took another tragic turn for the worse.
One night, a cousin of mine came to my apartment. He had been drinking and I kept trying to convince him to leave because my son was asleep in the bedroom. But he wouldn't leave. He grabbed me and threw me down on the floor of my living room where he proceeded to rape me. I begged for him to please stop, to please not to do this to me... we were cousins. I thought I was going to die. It was a nightmare from hell. After all I have been through in my life I could not believe this was happening to me. He finally left after leaving me completely devastated.
By morning, feeling completely alone, humiliated, and ashamed... I took my son to daycare and went to school. I couldn't look at anyone in the face. I blamed myself for allowing that to happen. I went to a counselor and reported what had happened. She then called the police and I was taken to the hospital by ambulance.
I filed charges against my cousin. He was arrested and taken down to the police station. He kept denying that anything happened, and the family finding it too difficult to believe. They believed him and once again felt like I was the one causing trouble. I felt so rejected and alone. I began drinking heavily to kill the memories, flashbacks and nightmares that had overtaken my life. I was lost to the pain within my soul. During my drunken state, while spending the night at a friend's house, I had a one night stand with a guy who was also staying over at my friends home.
The legal system failed me. I was informed by the DA that I had no control over my case and that my cousin had more rights to the case than I did. It just did not make any sense to me. They also told me that it would take a year for the case to go to court and if my family was not supporting my story, and they brought up my past, it was not going to go in my favor.
Once again, I felt alone and betrayed. My family was having trouble accepting what had happened. They did not want to believe that something like this could happen in our family. They accused me of trying to get some kind of attention from everyone. So, at that time, not knowing what to think, they turned away from me. I was left to deal with the memories of that night. I was never the same person after that.
Two months later I received more devastating news- I was pregnant! I did not even know who the father was. I suspected it was the guy with whom I had slept with that one night when I was drunk.
I didn't know anything about him except his first name. I didn't really care. I didn't want anything to do with him. I didn't know what I was going to do. I told the DA to forget the whole thing and dropped the case. It seemed my life was once again spinning out of control.
Many people in NY kept pushing me to have an abortion. It was an obvious solution under the circumstances. I gave it serious consideration because I had a lot to lose by having this baby. My secured future was on the line. I spent sleepless night praying, thinking and doing some deep down soul-searching. The tiny being growing inside of me was still a part of me and I was the one who acted irresponsibly. My pride and self-esteem were gone. I had already lost so much. Yet I knew that I could not live without knowing about the life growing inside of me. I could not eliminate an innocent life. So, I decided to keep my baby.
I felt so ashamed and alone among my family and friends. I decided to return to Mississippi. I still had a few close friends there that were happy to see me return and who were very supportive of my decision to keep the baby. They gave my son and me a place to stay until we moved into our own apartment. With the love, care and support of these friends and the support of an organization called Family Development, I was never alone.
In October of 1992, I was blessed with the birth of my second child-- another son! One of my best friends was with me during the delivery and the Staff of Family Development were there bearing gifts. Because of all the wonderful support I was blessed with I felt like God was letting me know that I had made the right decision in keeping this baby. God knew that I would love this child regardless of the circumstances that brought him into this world.
When my second child was a year old, I met someone that became very important in my life. We were very good friends in the beginning. Falling in love was something I thought I would never do again. After 4 years of living alone and raising my two boys, I fell in love again.
A few months later, I found out I was pregnant once again. I gave birth to my third baby boy in September 1994. The happiness I felt at that time was overwhelming. Never had I experienced the love of a man that was right there with me for the birth of his child.... until that day.
We had a very good life together for five years. He was a wonderful father and my two older boys had someone they could call "daddy." He was the only father they had ever known and he in turn accepted them as if they were his own.
I thought I had finally found the life of my dreams. But looks can be deceiving even in a perfect world. Very soon my perfect life would come to a drastic end.
After a strong five-year relationship things seem to have changed between us overnight. In the summer of 1998, we were supposed to take a trip together to visit family. He changed his mind about going a few days before we were suppose to leave. So I took the trip alone with the kids. I took the boys to family in Chicago and spent a week there with them. Then I went to NYC to visit my mom and sisters and my aunt who was my oldest son's Godmother. I spoke with him every night to be sure things were all right back home. He always assured me that things were all right and that he missed me.
Once I returned home to MS, I knew things were not all right. He was withdrawn and cold towards me. I saw the same type of behavior in him that I saw in my ex-husband years before. I arrived home on a Friday and by that Monday the telephone was disconnected and the lights were being turned off. I had left him money to pay the bills while I was gone but he had not paid any of them. I had managed to get the money to turn them both back on. He had changed dramatically and our relationship was no longer the same.
My family brought the boys home to me at the end of the summer and even they were aware of the change in him. After the boys started school, I started working. I had a hard time working and taking care of the boys and the house alone. He was not helping out at all anymore. He began to stay out all night leaving the boys at his mom's house while I was working the graveyard shift of a local casino. The stress was getting to me but I kept going for the sake of my boys. Eventually, he stopped coming home at all except when he would pop up every few days or so. He tried to accuse me of neglecting him and going to NYC to have an affair. I knew these were the accusations of a man guilty of cheating and trying to turn it around on me to ease his own guilty conscious. We had drifted apart for good and I was getting hurt all over again.
Soon, I was evicted from my home because I did not make enough money to pay all the bills and the rent. I had to depend on people I did not even know to help me move into an apartment. Neighbors helped by providing food for my children and me. For the first time in a very long time, I was alone.
One of his cousins used to babysit for me while I went to work. At that time I thought she was a god-send. He would also come by every now and then and make a lot of empty promises to me. I could not seem to get over my feelings for him, so he was able to keep manipulating me and hurting me. Soon, it all became too much for me to take. I was having a hard time concentrating at work. I was not happy and became severely depressed. Eventually it all came crashing down on me. The depression became so bad that I attempted suicide. I was taken to the hospital and admitted into a mental health facility for almost two weeks.
During my time in the hospital, I depended on my babysitter to take care of things at home. That was a big mistake. I allowed her to pick up my paycheck from work to pay the bills that were due. She never paid my bills. Instead, she used the money for her own enjoyment and came up with a poor excuse as to what happened to the money. This was just the beginning of all her deceptions. She continued to lie and steal from me. I had no one who was able to care for my kids while I worked. I had such a hard time with this situation that the stress once more overwhelmed me and once again I tried to hurt myself. I love my boys more than anything in this world, and I never would have done anything to hurt them. I was very sick and did not realize what I was doing. I wish I could have been much stronger during these difficult times. I was once again admitted to the hospital and warned that if I did not abide by the treatment my children would be taken away from me. So I abided by the program and returned home after a very long week.
When I returned home, I got rid of the babysitter and started taking care of me. It meant that I would not be able to return to work. Several agencies stepped in to help my boys and me. We moved into a program designed for single mothers who attend school. I began to attend classes at a community college once again. Times for us were very difficult, but by the grace of a wonderful God and His many blessings, we were doing just fine. I had a rough road in reaching this point, but I had made it through. I felt stronger than I ever did and I felt more focused on the things that were really important. All the pain and struggles that I had experienced had made me stronger and better prepared for the great losses I was about to experience.
In January of 1999, I suffered the loss of my Aunt, my oldest son's Godmother. I was close to her and loved her very much. She was still young and had died of Lupus. I took her death very hard and could not believe that she was gone. Her death took a big toll on our family.
As difficult as it was to lose my Aunt, our family experienced another terrible loss that same year, only nine months later. The person who was my very heart and soul, who provided me with the unconditional love and acceptance that I had depended on throughout my life and that no one else had ever given me in the way that she did, passed away in an automobile accident. She was my much-loved grandmother. My grandmother may not have understood my ways, but she never turned her back on me or my kids. I am named after her and I feel it an honor to carry her name. I have learned so much about life through her and all the lessons she taught me have always stayed with me. She had so much insight on things that at times it was so uncanny. I have gained her strength because of her love and I know those things will never depart from me. Still, her death has left such emptiness and hurt inside of me that might never leave me. I still miss her terrible through this day.
Since the death of my grandmother, I have been in a few really bad relationships always in search for that true love and something to fill the empty void of losing my grandmother. I even tried moving back home to NYC last year in 2000, but after 4 months I couldn't take it anymore. City life proved to be much more stressful with three kids than I could have ever imagined. The boys and I wind up staying in a small room shelter and they were not too happy. I wound up getting sick again and being put into the hospital for 9 days. My family took care of the boys during that time. They love us, but didn't know how to deal with my illness and the help I needed with the boys. So I returned to Mississippi where we are living today. I have had my share of struggles here suffering from Severe Depression. I refuse to accept that my mental illness is a hindrance for me, instead, I believe it will make me stronger as a person.
The struggles and losses that I have endured in my life has made me realize even more how truly precious life is and how little time we really have in this world to make a difference. Just recently, on November 25 2001, My family lost another precious life.
My younger sister passed away from surgery complications of stomach stapling. Her loss was unbearable and unbelievable. She was only 31. She lived her life in service to others, working in a homeless shelter for families and she especially loved all children. Three years later, I also lost my mother to a massive stroke.
Because of all that has happened and all the losses I have had to endure with my family, I intend to live my life to the fullest. I realize now that it is time for me to take responsibility for my own life and for everything that I allow to happen in my life. I will no longer continue to hold on to blame and self-pity. God has blessed me with so many wonderful gifts. My gift of writing and expressing the true heart and soul of life is one that He wants me to use to help others. Now, I will live by what He wants for me and not by what everyone else thinks I should do. He has a wonderful plan for me and I see it unfolding before me each blessed day that He gives me. It wasn't meant for everyone to understand my ways or me; it is only for God to understand since it is He who lives in me. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
In order to live the lives we want, we must learn to put God first in all we do. He loves us enough to allow us to make our own choices in life. No matter how bad your life may seem right now, only you can turn it into something better as long as you don't continue to dwell on how bad it is today and you remember to always put God ahead of all your plans. Life will always be filled with many difficult times. It doesn't matter where your life is today, nothing can stop you from achieving your dreams tomorrow.
This is where I am today. I tell my story hoping that others can use it as inspiration in their own lives and help them to never give up hope. If I can continue to reach for my dreams regardless of all the obstacles and hard times that I continue to live through, then I hope that anyone else can also. I did not start out as a strong person, I wanted to give up so many times. But God had other plans for me.
I want to be able to make a difference in the life of others. Use my story to help you find your way into the life that God wants for you to have. He was there for me even when I did not seek Him and through all the times I had let Him down. Still, He continued to gently lead me by the hand through all the times I tried to pull away like a stubborn child. Until the day I finally understood and listened to His call. That is the glorious love that He gives us!
Be proud of who you are and where you are in life today, even if you do not understand it. Just know that God understands and will make it clear to you when you open your heart and let His love and guidance shine in. Life is short. We all have a purpose to fulfill in this world. All you have to do is listen to your heart and look deep into your soul. You just might be surprised at what you find there!
I was 19 years old and very small for my age. I gained the attention of strangers because of how young I looked. I pretended that I couldn't talk and communicated with other passengers by writing notes. I told them that I had no family and no certain destination. Needless to say, I made quite an impression and was well taken care of throughout the trip. All I wanted was a chance to live the "American Dream" and become a part of the middle-class lifestyle. I had grown up as many inner-city kids did.... in a broken low-income home and in the toughest neighborhoods of New York. . I had often dreamed of living in a big house located in a picturesque countryside with a big yard and a white picket fence all around it. The house would have a pretty wrap- around porch. It was my dream life that I went in search for.
Growing up, I was so disillusioned with my life that I use to write letters to my teachers who lived in homes, asking them to please adopt me and take me away from the poverty and crime-filled streets that I had to live in everyday. I use to hurt myself physically trying to get someone's attention. Understandably, my teachers only saw me as a troubled young girl- and I guess I was. I just knew that life was suppose to be better than what I was living through every day.
On the way out west, I met a teenage boy who was on the way to visit family out in California. He convinced me to continue with him and he paid for my fare from Arizona to California. (Ironically to this day I have yet to see the Grand Canyon)!
Once in California, I stayed with one of his sisters for a couple of weeks. During my stay there, I began talking to those around me. I sold some of my belongings in order to obtain some extra money. Unfortunately, that money was stolen from me. I found myself hitchhiking away from there.
I caught rides on 18-wheeler trucks. I still did not know where I wanted to go. All I had were my dreams of a perfect life. I accepted rides with several truckers and saw many beautiful places in this country. A couple the truckers took me home to their families. But I never felt like I belonged-- I felt out of place.... like company that had overstayed their welcome. So I left. I worked a couple of fast food places in order to earn a little more money. The Gypsy in me could not settle for any one place-- so I kept moving.
There came a time when my luck had run out. I accepted a ride with a trucker whose intentions were NOT in my favor. He took advantage of my vulnerability and my naive nature - and he raped me. I never thought this would ever happen to me. There was nothing I could do. I tried kicking him, but he never moved out of my way and then he threatened me. I screamed-- but no one could hear my screams for help. We were somewhere in the back-roads of the California desert. He could have killed me and dumped my body right there. It would have been awhile before anyone would have found my body in this isolated area. My family had no idea where I was. I know God and His Angels were with me that day-- or I would not be here today.
It was pitch dark by the time we arrived at the next small town. I talked him into letting me go there-- and he did. I went into a small store that was in the area. I broke down and cried as I told the two people in the store what had happened to me. I was terrified, confused and felt very ashamed. They called the police and I was taken to the hospital. The examination they put me through felt like I was being raped all over again. The detective in charge was extremely cold and uncaring towards me. I sensed he felt that I got what I deserved for traveling alone. After that, wanting no more to do with me, he dropped me off at another truck stop. From that night, the next few days are nothing more than a blur to me... as I drifted from one place to another, not really knowing or caring what was going to happen next. I was stunned and very much alone.
For the first time since leaving New York...I felt very afraid. I remember sleeping in an old abandoned car that an old man took me to one night... after that, other truckers helped me find decent rides.
It was during this time that I met the man that I would marry. He treated me very well and took care of anything I needed or wanted. He never expected anything in return. I use to call him my "big brother." I remained with him and eventually fell in love for the very first time. Six months after we met we were married by the Justice of the Peace in Vicksburg, Mississippi. I continued to travel with him for about another year or so. Eventually, we rented an apartment in Vicksburg. He switched jobs and began to work for a local trucking company and I stayed home. Everything seemed to be going well for me and I felt like I finally found the place where I belonged.
After almost three years of marriage I received the greatest news of all-- I was going to have a baby! During my 4th month of pregnancy, my husband decided that it was better for me to go home to New York so that I could have the baby near my family. I did not understand this, but he insisted and I reluctantly agreed. He took me to my grandmother's house in New York and he returned to work in Mississippi. He called me often and I really believed that he loved me very much.
I was 23 years old when I gave birth to my first-born son in May of 1989. My husband was not there for the birth of our son. My baby was almost three month old before he came for us and we returned to Mississippi.
I did not receive that "I'm glad you're home" feeling from my husband or his family. I felt very alone. I was a new mother and I was already missing the love and support that I had from my family in New York, especially my grandmother. I only had two close friends in Mississippi who were there for my baby and me whenever I needed them. Since the birth of our son and our return to MS, my husband made himself scarce around us. His attitude had changed and I could no longer depend on him. He neglected the bills and I did not know what to think anymore. I wanted to believe that perhaps he wasn't earning enough to support us. Deep down I knew that was not the problem.
One day as I was cleaning up at home, I found the reason for the changes in his behavior. A love letter from another woman said it all.
While I was in NY having our baby, he was at home having an affair! I was devastated. It was really the last thing I expected. My world was shattered as was my heart.
When I confronted him he tried to deny it. He claimed it was an old high school love letter. I felt insulted and betrayed. He really believed that I would be naive enough to believe this obvious lie of his. In almost 4 years of marriage, I took care of the house and new every piece of paper in my organized home. He underestimated me.
Once I found out about his affair, he became increasingly insecure. He knew I wanted to leave. He became verbally abusive with me and threatened to take my son away from me. He would force me to have sex with him against my will. He knew that my family saw me as a trouble maker and someone who would not settle down and commit to anything, and he used this to his advantage. He would tell my family that I wanted to leave and break up the family. My family would come down on me and told me I had to learn to deal with whatever was going on. I feared him and feared for the life of my son. It became so bad that when he was home, I couldn't sleep. I was afraid to close my eyes at night because I feared what he might do to us while we slept. By the time he had returned to work, I had taken enough. So I packed my stuff and stored it at a friend's house for safekeeping. I then entered a battered women's shelter in Vicksburg. They were wonderful and very supportive. They helped my son and I return to New York.
After arriving back in New York, my son and I did not have an easy time of it. My family did not support my decision to leave my husband. I received assistance from an organization called Victim Service Agency. They provided me with counseling and childcare. Soon I enrolled in a Community College. My son and I moved into our own apartment right before Christmas of 1990. I was popular in school and in no time became the Editor of the College paper. I also became a spokesperson at several workshops for domestic violence and became an advocate for women's rights. I was doing quite well and was finally able to see a promising future for my son and myself. I had even enlisted in the Army. My family was going to care for my son while I went to basic training which was 4 months away.
Unfortunately, I was unable to finish my studies or even see basic training in the spring. Fate was cruel to me once more, and my life took another tragic turn for the worse.
One night, a cousin of mine came to my apartment. He had been drinking and I kept trying to convince him to leave because my son was asleep in the bedroom. But he wouldn't leave. He grabbed me and threw me down on the floor of my living room where he proceeded to rape me. I begged for him to please stop, to please not to do this to me... we were cousins. I thought I was going to die. It was a nightmare from hell. After all I have been through in my life I could not believe this was happening to me. He finally left after leaving me completely devastated.
By morning, feeling completely alone, humiliated, and ashamed... I took my son to daycare and went to school. I couldn't look at anyone in the face. I blamed myself for allowing that to happen. I went to a counselor and reported what had happened. She then called the police and I was taken to the hospital by ambulance.
I filed charges against my cousin. He was arrested and taken down to the police station. He kept denying that anything happened, and the family finding it too difficult to believe. They believed him and once again felt like I was the one causing trouble. I felt so rejected and alone. I began drinking heavily to kill the memories, flashbacks and nightmares that had overtaken my life. I was lost to the pain within my soul. During my drunken state, while spending the night at a friend's house, I had a one night stand with a guy who was also staying over at my friends home.
The legal system failed me. I was informed by the DA that I had no control over my case and that my cousin had more rights to the case than I did. It just did not make any sense to me. They also told me that it would take a year for the case to go to court and if my family was not supporting my story, and they brought up my past, it was not going to go in my favor.
Once again, I felt alone and betrayed. My family was having trouble accepting what had happened. They did not want to believe that something like this could happen in our family. They accused me of trying to get some kind of attention from everyone. So, at that time, not knowing what to think, they turned away from me. I was left to deal with the memories of that night. I was never the same person after that.
Two months later I received more devastating news- I was pregnant! I did not even know who the father was. I suspected it was the guy with whom I had slept with that one night when I was drunk.
I didn't know anything about him except his first name. I didn't really care. I didn't want anything to do with him. I didn't know what I was going to do. I told the DA to forget the whole thing and dropped the case. It seemed my life was once again spinning out of control.
Many people in NY kept pushing me to have an abortion. It was an obvious solution under the circumstances. I gave it serious consideration because I had a lot to lose by having this baby. My secured future was on the line. I spent sleepless night praying, thinking and doing some deep down soul-searching. The tiny being growing inside of me was still a part of me and I was the one who acted irresponsibly. My pride and self-esteem were gone. I had already lost so much. Yet I knew that I could not live without knowing about the life growing inside of me. I could not eliminate an innocent life. So, I decided to keep my baby.
I felt so ashamed and alone among my family and friends. I decided to return to Mississippi. I still had a few close friends there that were happy to see me return and who were very supportive of my decision to keep the baby. They gave my son and me a place to stay until we moved into our own apartment. With the love, care and support of these friends and the support of an organization called Family Development, I was never alone.
In October of 1992, I was blessed with the birth of my second child-- another son! One of my best friends was with me during the delivery and the Staff of Family Development were there bearing gifts. Because of all the wonderful support I was blessed with I felt like God was letting me know that I had made the right decision in keeping this baby. God knew that I would love this child regardless of the circumstances that brought him into this world.
When my second child was a year old, I met someone that became very important in my life. We were very good friends in the beginning. Falling in love was something I thought I would never do again. After 4 years of living alone and raising my two boys, I fell in love again.
A few months later, I found out I was pregnant once again. I gave birth to my third baby boy in September 1994. The happiness I felt at that time was overwhelming. Never had I experienced the love of a man that was right there with me for the birth of his child.... until that day.
We had a very good life together for five years. He was a wonderful father and my two older boys had someone they could call "daddy." He was the only father they had ever known and he in turn accepted them as if they were his own.
I thought I had finally found the life of my dreams. But looks can be deceiving even in a perfect world. Very soon my perfect life would come to a drastic end.
After a strong five-year relationship things seem to have changed between us overnight. In the summer of 1998, we were supposed to take a trip together to visit family. He changed his mind about going a few days before we were suppose to leave. So I took the trip alone with the kids. I took the boys to family in Chicago and spent a week there with them. Then I went to NYC to visit my mom and sisters and my aunt who was my oldest son's Godmother. I spoke with him every night to be sure things were all right back home. He always assured me that things were all right and that he missed me.
Once I returned home to MS, I knew things were not all right. He was withdrawn and cold towards me. I saw the same type of behavior in him that I saw in my ex-husband years before. I arrived home on a Friday and by that Monday the telephone was disconnected and the lights were being turned off. I had left him money to pay the bills while I was gone but he had not paid any of them. I had managed to get the money to turn them both back on. He had changed dramatically and our relationship was no longer the same.
My family brought the boys home to me at the end of the summer and even they were aware of the change in him. After the boys started school, I started working. I had a hard time working and taking care of the boys and the house alone. He was not helping out at all anymore. He began to stay out all night leaving the boys at his mom's house while I was working the graveyard shift of a local casino. The stress was getting to me but I kept going for the sake of my boys. Eventually, he stopped coming home at all except when he would pop up every few days or so. He tried to accuse me of neglecting him and going to NYC to have an affair. I knew these were the accusations of a man guilty of cheating and trying to turn it around on me to ease his own guilty conscious. We had drifted apart for good and I was getting hurt all over again.
Soon, I was evicted from my home because I did not make enough money to pay all the bills and the rent. I had to depend on people I did not even know to help me move into an apartment. Neighbors helped by providing food for my children and me. For the first time in a very long time, I was alone.
One of his cousins used to babysit for me while I went to work. At that time I thought she was a god-send. He would also come by every now and then and make a lot of empty promises to me. I could not seem to get over my feelings for him, so he was able to keep manipulating me and hurting me. Soon, it all became too much for me to take. I was having a hard time concentrating at work. I was not happy and became severely depressed. Eventually it all came crashing down on me. The depression became so bad that I attempted suicide. I was taken to the hospital and admitted into a mental health facility for almost two weeks.
During my time in the hospital, I depended on my babysitter to take care of things at home. That was a big mistake. I allowed her to pick up my paycheck from work to pay the bills that were due. She never paid my bills. Instead, she used the money for her own enjoyment and came up with a poor excuse as to what happened to the money. This was just the beginning of all her deceptions. She continued to lie and steal from me. I had no one who was able to care for my kids while I worked. I had such a hard time with this situation that the stress once more overwhelmed me and once again I tried to hurt myself. I love my boys more than anything in this world, and I never would have done anything to hurt them. I was very sick and did not realize what I was doing. I wish I could have been much stronger during these difficult times. I was once again admitted to the hospital and warned that if I did not abide by the treatment my children would be taken away from me. So I abided by the program and returned home after a very long week.
When I returned home, I got rid of the babysitter and started taking care of me. It meant that I would not be able to return to work. Several agencies stepped in to help my boys and me. We moved into a program designed for single mothers who attend school. I began to attend classes at a community college once again. Times for us were very difficult, but by the grace of a wonderful God and His many blessings, we were doing just fine. I had a rough road in reaching this point, but I had made it through. I felt stronger than I ever did and I felt more focused on the things that were really important. All the pain and struggles that I had experienced had made me stronger and better prepared for the great losses I was about to experience.
In January of 1999, I suffered the loss of my Aunt, my oldest son's Godmother. I was close to her and loved her very much. She was still young and had died of Lupus. I took her death very hard and could not believe that she was gone. Her death took a big toll on our family.
As difficult as it was to lose my Aunt, our family experienced another terrible loss that same year, only nine months later. The person who was my very heart and soul, who provided me with the unconditional love and acceptance that I had depended on throughout my life and that no one else had ever given me in the way that she did, passed away in an automobile accident. She was my much-loved grandmother. My grandmother may not have understood my ways, but she never turned her back on me or my kids. I am named after her and I feel it an honor to carry her name. I have learned so much about life through her and all the lessons she taught me have always stayed with me. She had so much insight on things that at times it was so uncanny. I have gained her strength because of her love and I know those things will never depart from me. Still, her death has left such emptiness and hurt inside of me that might never leave me. I still miss her terrible through this day.
Since the death of my grandmother, I have been in a few really bad relationships always in search for that true love and something to fill the empty void of losing my grandmother. I even tried moving back home to NYC last year in 2000, but after 4 months I couldn't take it anymore. City life proved to be much more stressful with three kids than I could have ever imagined. The boys and I wind up staying in a small room shelter and they were not too happy. I wound up getting sick again and being put into the hospital for 9 days. My family took care of the boys during that time. They love us, but didn't know how to deal with my illness and the help I needed with the boys. So I returned to Mississippi where we are living today. I have had my share of struggles here suffering from Severe Depression. I refuse to accept that my mental illness is a hindrance for me, instead, I believe it will make me stronger as a person.
The struggles and losses that I have endured in my life has made me realize even more how truly precious life is and how little time we really have in this world to make a difference. Just recently, on November 25 2001, My family lost another precious life.
My younger sister passed away from surgery complications of stomach stapling. Her loss was unbearable and unbelievable. She was only 31. She lived her life in service to others, working in a homeless shelter for families and she especially loved all children. Three years later, I also lost my mother to a massive stroke.
Because of all that has happened and all the losses I have had to endure with my family, I intend to live my life to the fullest. I realize now that it is time for me to take responsibility for my own life and for everything that I allow to happen in my life. I will no longer continue to hold on to blame and self-pity. God has blessed me with so many wonderful gifts. My gift of writing and expressing the true heart and soul of life is one that He wants me to use to help others. Now, I will live by what He wants for me and not by what everyone else thinks I should do. He has a wonderful plan for me and I see it unfolding before me each blessed day that He gives me. It wasn't meant for everyone to understand my ways or me; it is only for God to understand since it is He who lives in me. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
In order to live the lives we want, we must learn to put God first in all we do. He loves us enough to allow us to make our own choices in life. No matter how bad your life may seem right now, only you can turn it into something better as long as you don't continue to dwell on how bad it is today and you remember to always put God ahead of all your plans. Life will always be filled with many difficult times. It doesn't matter where your life is today, nothing can stop you from achieving your dreams tomorrow.
This is where I am today. I tell my story hoping that others can use it as inspiration in their own lives and help them to never give up hope. If I can continue to reach for my dreams regardless of all the obstacles and hard times that I continue to live through, then I hope that anyone else can also. I did not start out as a strong person, I wanted to give up so many times. But God had other plans for me.
I want to be able to make a difference in the life of others. Use my story to help you find your way into the life that God wants for you to have. He was there for me even when I did not seek Him and through all the times I had let Him down. Still, He continued to gently lead me by the hand through all the times I tried to pull away like a stubborn child. Until the day I finally understood and listened to His call. That is the glorious love that He gives us!
Be proud of who you are and where you are in life today, even if you do not understand it. Just know that God understands and will make it clear to you when you open your heart and let His love and guidance shine in. Life is short. We all have a purpose to fulfill in this world. All you have to do is listen to your heart and look deep into your soul. You just might be surprised at what you find there!
